Roger the Alien VS Richard Nixon Rap Battle
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: Roger the Alien takes on former president Richard Nixon. Does this make sense? Hell yes it does. Rated M for mature.


"Sometime in the 60's Roger got into a rap battle with Nixon," said Francine.

"I don't believe you" replied Haylee in a skeptical tone.

"Let the tape speak for itself," said Francine, putting on a video.

The screen shows Roger stepping up to the mike, chugging an entire bottle of straight Vodka, then miraculously recovering from a stupor,  
he begins putting on a backwards cap and starting to rap as follows:

"My raps are gonna drown ya like an opened gate of water, only one who can rap here? Name happens to be Roger.  
Ya can't spit bars cuz I'll just drink all the beer, ya can't win wars, and you're totally insincere.  
Sendin' folks off to die all based on a lie? I'm a sociopath, but you're just such a bad guy!"

Roger continued,

"You're the worlds only warmonger with peace-nick fingers, yet your ridiculous legacy still somehow lingers.  
I'm the only one who can win a war on drugs, literally dude, while I'm on them I win wars, how many? Scores and scores"

Roger then spun around quickly and began breakdancing while rapping at the same time, holding the mic close to his mouth,  
licking it, and rapping his lyrics:

"I'll be dishing out some justice, with a rapper's key and lock, ladies know me by my twelve inch alien cock!"

He continued,

"I'll have you know I once 'performed' at Woodstock,"

So yeah, when it comes to rapping, I just really have a knack, got a human hippy girlfriend named Haylee on my back!

All of your supporters are either crazy or feeble, you're never gonna make my precious dizzy water illegal.

Oh yeah, it's the Roj Poj, dopest alien around, listen in on me, not the DNC's sound  
Unlike you I don't "establish" a winner's image, I've already got enough swag, prestige, glamour, and winnage!  
I'll beat you as my new persona Normundy Blorenge, administering rhymes more toxic than your best Agent Orange.

Nixon atop a castletop, wearing a dark purple cape could be seen. Lightening flashes, and Nixon slowly turns his head  
over to face the camera and grabs a mic, looking like someone out of the Exorcist.

"Bwahahahaaaa!  
Well, well, well! What have we here? A floppy little mars-man addicted to beer!"

"Got my homies G. Gordon Liddy and Dean, so my raps are guarenteed to be nothing but mean  
I am not a crook, no no no, it's just that I have a more presidential flow"

Nixon then took off his cape, and dressed up as a bald eagle, and began flying while rapping

"Here in the house of Mill, there's impenetrable will, I'm like a bald eagle coming in for the kill"

"My superior intelligence busted Alger Hiss, and I'm about to bust another commie traitor in my midst.  
I always loved rap, and I wanted to do it, look it up that's a fact, I'm killing this, SCREW IT!  
Damn it, I spilled the beans, I've always wanted to do this, but when it comes to my true evil powers you're clueless.  
Watergate never happened, no, not on my watch, you can 'pardon' me Normundy while I pour you a Scotch.  
There's nothing bad in it, just my powerful words, shaking your fanbase of lousy little decadent turds.  
I didn't lose the Vietnam War, did I just lie?  
People eat it up they don't really care, by and by"

Roger began rapping again,

"Did I miss something, or were your lousy human-ish lips sealed?  
All your unconstitutional crap, repealed!  
My raps are phat just like my tummy is feeyat, but you're like a Bond villain who just lost his pet cat  
Wha-wha-where's the love? Cuz I just don't see it.  
Your white house plumbers? More like white house bummers!  
Wario, Waluigi? Tell me your masonic lodge numbers.  
You like martinis so I could toast to that, but you're not even good enough at being a sleazy rat!  
You say you're presidential butcha can't play football, lookin' like some cheesy Batman baddie reject, right ya'll?  
The other Greys overwhelmingly vote Republican, and yet, when I look at you all I see is a Re-Munchkinlin.  
Everything you spit about me, gonna be a lie, jeez, to think a guy like you wanted a job at the FBI  
So fuck yourself Nixon, you stupid greedy bastard, or I'll tell all your friends about the night  
in that UFO base when you and me got PLASTERED!"

Nixon chuckles, then hides a photograph behind his back. He then spins around and starts rapping, respectively.

"That is rather unusual, I don't remember that.  
My rhymes will crush your raps like a helpless little volatile gnat.  
As I said you know nothing of my vast evil power, met my sexy first lady in the big Dark Tower.  
Now before you accuse me of shooting JFK, that was most likely Lyndon Johnson, not me, okay?  
I'm a man of class, elegance, and style, you look like the cross between a frog and Gomer Pyle.  
Now don't get me wrong, you little sop from American Dad, I helped end school-segregation, are you still mad?"

Roger melts into goo and starts rapping more, his hand reaching out of his melted goo body, or non-body:

"Oh yeah, don't mention all your leaked racist tapes, though I'm sure you'll lie and tell me they're all just fakes.

I'm a mean kitten now, just look at my paws and claws!

Rippin' up your legacy, as well as all your stupid drug laws.  
I'm not unamerican one little bit, I mean HEY!  
Got a good buddy in the CIA!"

Nixon laughs, then raps more

Yes sure, whatever. V for Victory kid, it's a noble endeavor.  
Sadly for you though you didn't get it, by the way my staffers are right now hacking your Reddit.  
You're apparently the sorry reason I fashioned Jackie Gleason a noose,  
and I'd rather have rapped a mescalin addicted moose.

Stan shows up to the scene and shakes hands with Nixon.

"Woah, it's not Reagan but still..President Nixon?  
Man, you are legendary. Let's go fishing, Green Acres is the best place to be! Oh, and can you tell me if there's any truth to the whole Area 51 thing?"

WHO WON?  
Who's next?


End file.
